I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
