I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
