Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
The adults are the big ones right?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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