im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just got carded by a ten year old.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
