My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
