areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
