Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
