I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
