Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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