I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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