i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
