Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
