I need help removing her.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
