After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
