I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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