Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
