My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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