i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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