The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
