dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
