Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
