he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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