toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I won't apologize to a one balled man
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
