Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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