4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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