i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
