I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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