Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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