you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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