The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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