I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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