I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
