Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
