grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
