i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
