look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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