I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
