I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
