Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
