if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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