dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
it's like iHOP with fire
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
