the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
