he puts the penis in happiness.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
birth control should be required to get into college
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
