I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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