I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
