maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
