I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
