pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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