It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
