I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
